Did any of you see the Cooking with Dexter column in yesterday's New York Times magazine? It was the last installment in the series, which followed one working father's efforts to cook with his son.
I found it very sad. Pete Wells, the author, launched the column with the intention of writing about his experiences cooking with his son. As he writes in his last column, though, life got in the way. A demanding job meant that he rarely was home to eat with his children, let alone to help cook what they ate.
Not to say that I don't understand his situation. The challenges of getting a meal -- any meal -- on the table most weeknights are daunting even under the best of circumstances. Gabe and I are extremely lucky to have job schedules that allow one of us to work at home each day. That means that one of us is here to get dinner going while the other wraps up at the office and makes the hour commute home. And on days that I have off and pretend to be a stay-at-home mom, I am more exhausted than ever, which gives me a peek into the challenges that full-time parenting holds.
I also could identify with Wells because I too have pushed on to make a meal that was way too elaborate for a weeknight dinner while the children got hungrier and hungrier. It's no virtue to be beholden to an ideal. On saner days, I too order carry-out or pull a pre-packaged meal from the freezer. Sometimes when even those options will take too long, it's breakfast for dinner, even cereal. But only if someone has done the shopping and we have cereal in the cupboard and milk in the refrigerator.
And yet, Wells' story depressed me. For all kinds of reasons, I'd be the last person to advocate a return to the one-working-parent household, but I do wonder what we've gained with our hectic, demanding jobs. As a country, we seem driven to push harder and harder, but I've lost sight of where all that pushing is taking us.
On the other hand, I do see what we've lost. We've lost a community where the working parent(s) leave the office by 5 because we all recognize that it is important to be home in the evening to share a meal with loved ones. And some of us would like to share in the cooking of that meal, too. I think this is one of the reasons I am so drawn to other cultures, particularly Italy and France, where (at least traditionally) eating has meant more than just ingesting. Taking time out to cook and eat together is valued.
If you read this blog, I'm guessing you too would like to live in a world where we spend more time cooking together and less time around the water cooler. I hope so. If so, we're in this together. I hope that as a community we can continue to push for our regular family time. The only way our society will ever change is if we change it one at a time.
Last year, we undertook our Family Meal Experiment, to try to focus on changing our little world. We tried to sit down together for a meal -- some type of meal -- every day of the year. Even with intense focus on this and our flexible schedules, we missed 10 days, but I'm considering it a success. On days where we knew one of us would be out in the evening, we tried to have another meal together, often breakfast. When Gabe and I went out for the evening, we sat down at the table for dinner with the children before we went out. Sometimes our shared meal was on the grass at a baseball game or practice and sometimes it was no more glamorous than that breakfast for dinner.
It got us in the groove, though, of expecting to eat together. That is now the norm for us and we think carefully before we deviate from it. Sometimes we still do. There are unexpected slumber parties and play dates to be had and we don't want to miss out on those. But when they end, we all come back home and settle around the table together.
I'd love to hear from all of you on this topic. Is cooking and eating as a family a priority? If so, how do you make it happen? If not, why not?
I think it's this line: "When I think that in the early days of our romance I wooed her by cooking, it’s hard to escape the conclusion that she is the victim of one of the greatest bait-and-switch schemes of all time."
Even with me home full time, our house is not a paragon of cleanliness and sometimes we just eat leftovers--or breakfast for dinner. Cooking and cleaning aren't all they're cracked up to be. :)
Posted by: Anna | February 22, 2011 at 09:01 AM
We discovered that trying to have dinner together was too stressful. My husband often gets home late. The kids were tired and cranky and the dinners weren't enjoyable. Now we almost always have breakfast together. It helps that we are all early risers. The kids are up by 6-6:30. We make a pot of tea, read the paper, then make eggs or pancakes. We often light candles. On mornings that we know will be busy, I put a pot of steel out oaks to soak overnight and heat them in the morning. We all leave around 8:30, so we get a solid 2 hours of pleasant family time. We do try to reserve Sunday nights for a family dinner.
I have to comment on the idea of a parent at home. After being at home, being at work, and now back at home again, I have to say that I would love to see our society move back to the equivelent of one parent at home. I'm not at all suggesting that women should be at home. Mom at home. Dad at home. More work from home. Both parents with half-time or even three-quarter time jobs. Switching it around to complement everyone's strengths. There is a definite benefit to being home when the children get home. Being available for homework. Being there when they have questions about life. Slowing down so we can spend more time as a family. Two traditional full time jobs make that very difficult. I don't know if our society will get there. There is such an emphasis on having more "stuff" that it takes a concerted effort to say I want more joy and less stuff. We can do it, of course, but we have to make that a priority.
Posted by: Nancye | February 22, 2011 at 11:30 AM
Anna, that bait and switch line got me thinking. How many of us are still the people our spouses thought they married? I know mine, for one, never guessed that I would become quite so obsessed with cooking.
Nancye, I love that you all have created a breakfast tradition. It sounds wonderful. I think breakfast is my favorite meal (although I'd really rather not have to choose) and I wish that we could have breakfast together. But in order to get home at a reasonable hour, one of us is up and out the door before dawn. And yes, yes, yes, to your idea of part-time work and parenting for all. That would be my ideal.
Posted by: Margy | February 23, 2011 at 04:34 PM
It's funny - eating together is a priority, not just to be together, but because I know in a few short years (our oldest is 9), it's going to be all but gone. I feel like I'm trying to force as many meals together as I can before there are the HUGE amounts of homework to do in high school, the sports or the band practice that the coach says can't be missed or the child can't play in the next game/concert, the fact that friends become more important in our children's lives as they navigate the tricky waters of social circles... So, while I love the meals (we, too, have work schedules that allow BOTH of us to be home at dinner time. We are blessed, I know.), I sometimes feel a little sadness, too, that someday they won't be what they are now. How wacky is that??? And, honestly, I don't sweat what I'm making... if my kids don't go to bed hungry, I feel like I've succeeded. If that means they had a PB&J with an apple and some chips, so be it. As long as the bread is whole wheat! ;) Love your blog!
Posted by: Anne | February 23, 2011 at 05:40 PM
I didn't realize it wasn't normal to eat together every night until I was in high school! I think what made it happen was delegation and organization- big batches of easy to heat n eat later foods over the weekend, and having the kids set the table and get drinks while dad grilled outside and mom made the nightly salad or veggie side- everyone had a job and then we sat and talked about our days, reconnected as a family. I don't think this should be optional, and if breakfast works better then great, but figure out what is important to you, organize, delegate, and enjoy.
Posted by: tt in nyc | February 23, 2011 at 11:11 PM
Anne, our oldest is 11, and I completely sympathize with that bittersweet tug. We have to cherish these golden years when our children still enjoy our company. I'm hoping, though, that we're laying a foundation that will make family meals part of the routine so that we continue them through those teenage years.
TT, what a beautiful image that is of everyone working together to get dinner on the table!
Posted by: Margy | February 24, 2011 at 08:31 AM
We are into the years where we have an often-sullen teenager who definitely DOES NOT want to eat dinner with us anymore. We still insist on family dinner, but we find that if we don't allow her to leave the table as soon as she is finished eating, she will exhibit behavior designed to insure her immediate dismissal from the table. Sigh. Better than abandoning the family dinner altogether, I guess...
Posted by: Gina | February 24, 2011 at 07:38 PM
Gina, that is what I'm dreading! We have to hang on to these years when our kids still enjoy our company (most of the time anyway). Good for you for keeping the family dinner going, though.
Posted by: Margy | February 24, 2011 at 11:01 PM
I think a family meal becomes the glue that keeps everyone together. Any given meal is rarely idyllic at our house, with lots of spilled milk, and naughty behavior, but overall the time together is well worth it. I am counting on laying the foundation now so when my kids are teenagers, they just won't know anything else and have no choice but to go with it -- probably overly optimistic, but I'm still counting on it!
Posted by: Sarah | February 25, 2011 at 07:26 PM